lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize