my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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