my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
