dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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