he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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