True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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