so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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