someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
