Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
