its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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