i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
