My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
