i love accidental penises.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
