I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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