I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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