Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
