Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
