So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
