We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize