dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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