yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
