So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I wear drunk well.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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