i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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