I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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