Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
