dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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