Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
