apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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