Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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