so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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