Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
