There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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