STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
