I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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