You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
