i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
