Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
