I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
