Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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