allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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