man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
