How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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