I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
