I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
