Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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