ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
