i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
