in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize