I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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