i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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