She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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