You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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