worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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