There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
