I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
